I was crumpled on the floor of my basement suite just wailing.
It hurt so bad. If ever there was a moment of unfairness... this was it.
"ITS NOT @%@$%ing FAIR!!!!"
My rant lasted only a few minutes and then I stopped for 3 reasons:
1. My landlord was probably considering calling the cops or child protection services.
2. God never promises to be fair...
3. I felt waaaaaaaaay better.
Last week I finished my rant after spending a day at the hospital with my dad in the waiting room. The surgeon walked out with a solemn look on her face and informed us that my mom's cancer was back and that this time it was inoperable.
I watched my dad fall apart.
I wanted to be strong.
I wanted to trust God.
I wanted so bad to not let myself show emotion, doubt, or fear.
I did pretty well... that is until I got home into the solitude of my own home. Then I decided to be human and let it all out.
I quickly came to realize that I was not alone... and neither was my mom... or my dad. We may not see God in this terrible thing called cancer, but He was still there, and will continue to be there. God isn't fair, but I believe He is just. My biggest struggle was figuring out how my mom who is one of the nicest people on the planet, who has given her life to serving God and laying down her life for the service of others, how she could could get such a terrible painful disease.
Some of my friends would describe it as "Life is a (female dog)"...
And all I can think is that "God is Just".
I cannot assume that God will take my stance on justice or be fair, because then we are all screwed.
What I can assume is that God is just... that God cares deeply for my mom... for my dad... for me... I can assume that God hears me when I SCREAM OUT in anger, confusion, and fear.
In Luke's gospel Jesus is praying right before he is betrayed. It says that he was praying about what he knew he was about to go through.
(I must add that Jesus, the perfect human, the spotless lamb, the savior of mankind, the innocent one was crucified like a criminal... NOT FAIR)
When Jesus was praying, it says that he prayed more earnestly and his sweat was "like drops of blood falling to the ground." He cried out "ABBA FATHER"! This is not a cry of a helpless baby crying out to a dad, but the cry of a grown man who is bleeding out of his sweat glands and SCREAMING OUT TO GOD for help, direction. It says he was in anguish.
Throughout this I have learned a few things....
... God IS just.
... What it means to cry out "ABBA FATHER" in my most anguished times of despair.
